“Welcome! Welcome to my seminar on how to be a success! Now, I already know what you’re thinking. I’m inside your mind right now. Feel that? That’s me reading your thoughts. But let me reassure you, I’m not some con artist out to get your money.”

“Excuse me. I thought -”

“Ok. Ok, we have a question at the front there. That’s alright. Interruptions are fine, but no! You’ve already done something wrong. Who can tell me what?”

“Did I -”

“No, come on people. Think outside the box. Alright, I’ll do it for you. Baby steps.”

“Excuse me. Sorry, but -”

“Eye contact, people! You’re making too much of it. You know how I became a success? Look at this watch. It’s a Rolex. I’m a success because I never make eye contact. Looking over someone’s shoulder lets them know they should be looking at you, not the other way around. It’s establishing dominance. Have another look at that Rolex.”

“It’s just that -”

“Yes! Someone’s already there. This person right here. One step ahead of all of you. That’s right, it’s a fake Rolex. Why didn’t you spot that? No, it’s a serious question. Why?”

“If I can just -”

“There it is! Eye contact. You were so busy staring into my eyes that you never even looked at my watch. You just thought Hey, this guy’s a jerk! and never even looked. Look around, people! Come on, who here actually looked at the watch? Put up your hand.”

“Yeah, me too, but I just -”

“Ok. Ok. We’ve got some jokers in here. That’s alright, that’s your thing. No. Get rid of it. Chuck it out. Humour isn’t doing one damn thing for you. Hey, did you all hear about the president who had a great sense of humour? I didn’t think so.”

“Just one question.”

“What? Sorry, guys, there’s a question down here in the front row. When was the last time you saw a news anchor go on air and ask -”

“Yeah, but I do still have a question.”

“Right, and that’s what I’m talking about. Where are all these questions coming from? It’s our insecurities that are driving us to ask why and when and where. Stop questioning yourself and start living. You know me. You’ve all seen me on TV. Take it from me.”

“Excuse me, but who the hell are you?”


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